I close my eyes and try to see the world unbroken underneath.
The farther off & already it might just make the life I lead
A little more than make-believe when all my skies are painted blue;
And all the clouds don’t ever change the shape of who I am to You.
I’m waiting for the world to fall.
~Jars of Clay
Do you ever feel like the very foundation of your world is falling apart? Like your life is like a Jenga tower, and one action, one decision, one outside source pulling one of the blocks out can cause your world to shake and sway and threaten to tumble? That’s what my life feels like right now. Not my personal life, but my extended life – my life involving my family.
It’s interesting how the topics that are discussed at church seem to parallel things that happen in my life so acutely. Over the month of December, Peace was the focus. Peace in the midst of chaos. That’s how the last three months have felt for me: chaotic. The stresses of the holiday season, financial stresses, the intensity of tasks on the job, and the typical family drama. The week of Christmas, in particularly that Tuesday, the mad rush at work came to a screeching halt, which was a relief in itself. So I thought that I could focus on other things, like picking out the perfect gifts for my family.
I try to avoid drama in my life. I hate how it makes me feel, and I hate how it effects my family, especially when it is at the center of it. Christmas came and went, with subtle dramatic undercurrents, and I thought this year was going to end strong and on a good mark. Then yesterday occurred. (Author’s Note: for the next three days after this post, even more chaos ensued).
I cringe every time my phone rings and it is someone in my family. Or when I see a vague negative Facebook post. I instinctively and automatically assume it’s going to be bad news. Because it has usually been so. I hate that. I hate that I can’t expect good news from my family. Perhaps it’s because for the last decade there has just been one bad thing after another happen.
I’ve tried to uphold my faith during all of these things. I think. There have been serious moments of doubt. I can’t even try to wrap my mind around why some of these things have happened. Sometimes I feel like I’m on the outside looking into a snow globe of chaos that is my familial life involving my parents and sibling/in-laws. There is always something negative being said, something happening that is the next soap opera.
Part of me wonders if I’ve lost my compassion. Part of me doesn’t even want to feel anything anymore about any of this chaos. Part of me wants to move to the other side of the world away from it all. But then the other part of me feels too much. And it rips through me making my heart ache and my mind cry out for some sort of resolution.
Peace: Cessation of or freedom from any strife or dissension; freedom of the mind from annoyance, distraction, anxiety, an obsession.
I am not sure that my family will ever really be peaceful. As long as there is any of these things – strife, dissension, obsession, annoyance, distraction, anxiety – there will not be peace in their lives.
And yet, I have to hold to my hope in Christ that he can work things out for the good. That whatever bad or negative thing that happens, he can use something out of it for good.
But there can be peace in our minds. There can be peace in my mind. In my heart. I can have peace in my knowledge of Jesus. Because he is the author and perfector of my faith.
“I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.”
We aren’t guaranteed a perfect peachy keen life filled with a skip through the daisies. There is going to be trouble. There is going to be chaos. There is going to be crap that we can’t get away from. And even when it feels like someone has taken a chunk out of my life and I’m teetering on the precipice, I have to hold to the truth that I’m not alone. That the One I have faith in has overcome the world so that I can find my peace in him.
I’m waiting for the world to fall.
I’m waiting for the scene to change.